Turn Toward Your Spouse

As I was reading in the book, “the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” I read about the importance of turning toward your spouse rather than away from them. What this means is that we need to pay attention to our spouse and their “bids”. A bid is something a spouse will do for attention, affection, humor, or support.

John M. Gottman says in his book,

“Bids can be as minor as asking for a backrub or as significant as seeking help in carrying the burden when an aging parent is ill.”

When we turn toward our partner’s bids and fulfill them we are showing our spouse that we care enough for them to help them and support them. The more spouses turn toward each other’s bids, the closer they become over time.

I’ve found in my own marriage that the more my husband and I turn toward each other’s bids the easier it is for us to do things for each other without the need of asking.

Ever since my husband and I have been together he's loved back massages. He would ask for them all the time so I started giving them to him without him even asking for it. Even now, I sometimes give him a back massage as he washes the dishes.

It's little things like that which help along a relationship.

Another thing which we should all be sure to do is thank your spouse when they catch onto the bid and turn toward you. I know I really love it when my husband says thank you to me. It makes me feel appreciated and loved.

When it comes to “bids” and turning toward our spouse, it’s important to be patient with your spouse. A bid may not always be very clear so you need to be sure that you don’t get upset if your spouse happens to miss your bid.

Gottman said,

“Couples often ignore each other’s emotional needs out of mindlessness, not malice.” 

I’m definitely not perfect, but I do try to think the best of my husband rather than jumping to conclusions and I think that’s something that we should all try to do.

If you learn anything from this post then please learn this: Pay attention to your spouse’s bids and turn toward them.